Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

😭😭😭😭

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

Lmaoo 😂

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS