Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
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When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.