Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
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*bites zombie*
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Admin smashed it 😂
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
A choir of Spring onions
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.