Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”