Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
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Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
thanks auntie mary
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
reminder
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”