Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
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“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
They’re really bad with fonts.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.