Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant