Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

so this horse walks into a bar

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.