Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”