Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.