Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.