Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
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Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore