Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
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I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
The dark side of Canada
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die