Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
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*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Effort made
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap