Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
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a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.