Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*