Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
You Might Also Like
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog