Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.