If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
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[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Room with a view.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.