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I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
i spent way too long on this
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
Couple goals
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore