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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
yeah 😭
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.