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KFC hitting the cannibal market
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Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
But I really needed water water water
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Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you