Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

…u ok Nintendo?

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

Cheer up.

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.