Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
🤣
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Yup
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.