Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.