Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
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My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace