Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
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Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Sharon I have some bad news
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.