Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

That’s a good costume, I hope.

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

Terribly Tuesday.

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws