Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.