Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
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As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur