Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.