Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
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“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Don’t talk down to me
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait