Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

i wish we could shoplift online

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

why isn’t he texting back

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

mechanics be like

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.