Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.