find these 10 emoji for no good reason
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If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.