find these 10 emoji for no good reason
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Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
they really do be looking like this
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Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.