Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
You Might Also Like
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
Smile they said.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Choose your fighter
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down