Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
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Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*