Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
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Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Pandas 🐼🖤
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship