Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
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5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
adam and eve had first world problems
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog