Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
I’m good, thanks.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
