Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Split the bill
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
