@THE_shitface

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

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@theNuzzy

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

@TheRolo

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

@Lunatic_times

I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.

@C00LpenNAME

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

@darksidedeb

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

@djdarrellripley

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

@just_kdot

my wedding cake gonna be an edible and im not warning anybody

@TheSuccuBish

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

@Jandalize

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.