Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
#damn
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
💁🏻♂️
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.