Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

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There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?


[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?


I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.


“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu


Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?


Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?


my wedding cake gonna be an edible and im not warning anybody


When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.


With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.