Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
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NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie