Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
You Might Also Like
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
this has to be peak English
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite