Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

If I make my 3yo a ham sandwich he won’t touch it but if I make myself a ham sandwich he’s gotta have the entire thing

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

There’s only one good girl here!

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!