Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
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not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I wish this was real life…
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Shower sex be like:
tell em, edith-anne
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs