Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?