Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
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Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
If you want my opinion ask my wife
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
satan: not today, microsoft teams
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
This is my bus stop.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH