Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.