Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
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there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
life finds a way
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.