Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
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Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
How animals would run if they were human
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
rise and shine we got egg
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.