Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

Who knew!

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

so this horse walks into a bar

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

stop

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

I might carry a baby with one hand.