Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mornin

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

jesus christ confetti not now

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

something like this could probably happen to anyone

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

This is so me 😂😂

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

This guy gets it.

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff