Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

I pray every night that I never become religious…

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights