Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

“The Perfect Relationship”

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?