Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
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Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
#damn
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”