Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

If you love someone, let them sleep.

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

Beards are a privilege, not a right

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

When life hands you women, make women laid.

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.