Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
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Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
This is my emotional support knife.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Real House Wines.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.