Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
this could fix me
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Sheep
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.