Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
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*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.