Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
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Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.