Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
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“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.