Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.