Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

where do you see yourself in five years?

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

There’s only one good girl here!

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA