Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.